Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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