can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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