You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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