I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
