they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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