I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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