Someone shit on the floor
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
