first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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