We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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