Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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