My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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