Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize