One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
