I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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