The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
