Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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