my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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