He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
