i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize