I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
