hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
