I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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