I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
