You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
