kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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