I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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