Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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