by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
