I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
