That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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