he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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