My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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