I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
