in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
