your parents love me but you hate me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
