So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
