I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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