hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
