I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
