what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
