Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
