I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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