never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
