If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize