I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
