like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
