He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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