I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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