I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize