Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
