It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
