the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
