In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
