Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
