he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
