Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
