I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize