you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
