Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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