You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
