Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
