My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
