In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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