I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
